Joy, Love, Peace

One more! Party Like a Rock star!

I am excited that I only have one more chemo treatment! I can’t believe I am saying that ONE more! Its amazing how far, I have come. God has totally helped me out through this journey. I was going bald, then my hair started to come back and now I new growth! I am super excited to be getting my hair back! The next step to this journey is figuring out  what treatments will work the best for me. The chemo hasn’t had the great effects yet, so were looking into other options. I am going to school in sept! I am super excited! I feel everything is falling into place. I am happy. I am feeling ok. I have been taking the pills they gave me for stomach aches, feeling tired. But it will go away soon. 

I am thankful for the life God has given me. I am thankful for the prayers and support of my Zion family, church family, and everyone else who has been praying. Also the protein from kidneys went down! God is good! 

Holding on…..

How can I honesty sit here and write ,not worry about the next step in my life or what is going to happen to me? As much as God loves me and I love him, this entire journey is scary. The doctors are very worried about me, but I have to praise God because I don’t feel sick the high amount of chemo I got a couple weeks ago hasn’t really effected me as feeling sick a lot. I know I keep saying and writing about my health but this is my life right now. I can’t let negative people get in my way, I am so thankful God has given me the strength to let some people go. Since I have left some people go, I felt more free, free to laugh and just be myself. I don’t know where I am headed but I know that I know in the end it will be good. I always prayed I wanted my life to be for the glory of God. I pray God will use this for His glory. I don’t understand why this is happening. I got some good news last week at the specialist feeling encouraged. But when I go to this one doctor she always tells me how concerned she is for me. I wish God will heal me right now so I don’t need to deal with this anymore. But I am hoping and holding onto His promises. Its hard but like I said my life, for His glory. It is a scary prayer, praying, God use me for your glory because I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. But God won’t give me more then I can handle. God knows I can handle this.  

Since I started chemo in Jan, I have learned so much. God is faithful, God is love and God is hope. As hard as it is to face this, struggling with the thoughts I don’t want to handle this anymore please God , can I be done! Please God no more! Please God help me! I know that in the midst of heart ache and uncertainty my God is bigger then this. This isn’t too big for Him to handle. Through it all, I am waiting, praying and fighting until I am healed. I believe if you want something you fight for it. I have been fighting for a long time, God has given me strength to endure this.  

Don’t Despair

Before I say the bad news I got from the doctor, I have to say that I don’t understand why the chemo isn’t working. But I know God has me in the palm of His hands. The doctor told me the protein levels from my kidneys went back up to a 8 last time it was four it was going down now it is going up. She said there is no improvement she is disappointed. Once I got off the phone with the doctor I started to cry but then I stopped myself and thought to myself I am strong don’t cry the enemy wants me to cry and be upset. I should rejoice because God knows what He is going. I want all of this to end, but I don’t know how God is going to end all of this. I am praying it is fast. As I am writing this blog one of my favorite verses came to Micah 7:5-8

“But as for me, I will look to the Lord;Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; I will wait for the God of my salvation;my God will hear me.when I fall, I shall rise;when I sit in darkness,the Lord will be a light to me.”

I will keep looking to my God, the one who loves me and knows the plans that HE has for me. 

Trust.

Being sick since I was fourteen, one thing God has always taught me and still teaching me is to trust Him. There have been many ups and downs with my relationship with God. I can honestly say God is faithful. Going through chemo has been rough, I just want to go to school get my degree and move on with my life. But this season has been about trust and patience. I am praying I will be done in June so I go to school in august. Its amazing seeing the power of God through this, I know I haven’t gotten great news in a long time, but when I get the chemo since they have been increasing it more every month I have been told your going to feel more side effects. To be honest I have felt tired and sick to my stomach but its not a pain where I feel like my life is over. The pill they gave me works so well. Then 3 to 4 days I feel like my normal self. In this all I believe its God who has given me the strength to do this. People have asked me how can you do this? It just God helping me, leading me, helping me trust him and not myself. I am just waiting for that day for God to heal me. I don’t know when it will be, I have been waiting 10 years for it. I hope it will be soon. 

Whatever God has planned for me, it will be ok. I am a child of God and His way is always better then mine. I had my whole life planned thinking this and that but God has been showing me a lot lately. I am ready to face whatever comes my way. Sometimes I have a hard time believing God has called me into full time ministry because I am sick, I think I don’t know how I will make it. There is a fear that comes, but just having confidence that God has called me and will provide for me. Like I said who knows whats going to happen, I have to keep trusting, listening, and obeying.