15 5 / 2013
My life right now is hard and painful. But today I have realized that I do not want to keep thinking about my pain and when is it going to stop. But I cried for a good 20 minutes telling God I can not do this anymore I need you to take this away please. I just felt in my heart to read the word, listen to one of my favorite worship songs and write. One of my favorite worship songs is Moving forward by Israel Houghton The lyrics are what I needed to hear “You make all things new, I will will follow you forward”. These lyrics when I was listening to the song, calmed me down, the pain left and begun to have hope again. What it says in Gods word”God won’t give us more then what we can handle”this is very true, when we go through something it seems very difficult painful and uncomfortable but God knows our strength can only come from Him.
How I think about my pain these past few weeks, I have cried so many times, but God knows what He is doing. He is the God who can do the impossible. I know God heals, He has healed me many times of liver failure, Lupus SLE, fibormalyia, ITP(low platelet disorder),close to kidney failure.) I have been complaining about my pain not once has God failed me. Not once did God leave me in my pain. Not once did God say goodbye I can not deal with this, but He stood by me. Nothing is to hard for God. As I am dealing with this issue, it is refreshing to go and be still, listen to worship music and refoucs on God who loves me. God cares about our burden, He wants to carry our burdens. We do not have to carry it by ourselves, give it all to God. God has unconditional love for us. We may not feel God cares because we are suffering but think about what is going to happen in the end. We have hope because God is good, never fails. Also He will never break a promise.
03 5 / 2013
I am so happy to finally say I am done with my Junior year of college! Thinking back from the beginning of the semester it was probably one of my hardest semesters. I needed so many blood transfusions, going to classes when I was at my lowest;feeling weak,tired but I do not know how I made it through, but I know God helped me. He gave me strength to keep pushing forward to never give up. I know when we get bad news depression can kick in and the enemy can say lies. But one thing I have learned is to take a break and worship, pray, and write. The more we focus on God rather then the negative around us we will have strength. I think about so many times I have thought and cried I can not do this but i told God I can not. But God showed me I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Even at my lowest God still loved me and continue to loves me. I know sometimes we can get tired of fighting but thats when we need to pray for more faith and strength, that God will increase we will decrease.
One thing I have also learned this semester, its going to sound so simple but God is all we need this world has nothing to offer. Sometimes I have felt I can be so caught up in the world such as life in general. School can get busy life is busy in general. But I have realized that all I need and what is Christ. I don’t want to be part of this world, it has nothing to offer me. I need more of God less of me. I want and desire more of Him. Sometimes I need to get to that place of solitude to re-connect. I love doing that it gives me joy, peace and re-direction.
20 4 / 2013
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.-James 1:17
God is always good, and as I think about the good things God has given me I know its from God, according to James 1:17every good gift is from above. Every good relationship we have been waiting for, job, marriage whatever it may be God always has our best interest. Sometimes we have to go through hardships to teach us a lesson then as we trust God the blessing will come. God always knows everything we need. As I think about my life and the countless blessing I know its from God because God is good and He wants the best. He wants us to be happy, we don’t need to live in doubt but in victory knowing what God has given us is a blessing. Today I will remember my blessing what God has given me, He loves me.
14 4 / 2013
One thing I know God wants from His people is to surrender. Sometimes we can build walls, these walls can be fear,addictions, anger, pain. God wants us to come to Him to surrender all of our issues. Sometimes walls can hinder us from getting closer to God. God already knows our pain, fear, addictions, He wants us to give everything to Him. When we let go there is freedom. When I think about what is on the other side of the wall, I see freedom, joy and the Glory of God will be revealed. In our suffering God is still good and God will be gloried. Since I have been dealing with letting go and allowing God to dig deep, up root the hurts I look forward to that day when I will be free, God will use my pain for ministry.
13 4 / 2013
The past few days I have been wondering what is a godly relationship? How do we know if the person we are with is the “one”. I know in my past relationships it was not godly, it more about pleasing each other then pleasing God. I want to be a woman who is truly seeking God and glorifying God in my relationship. That man I want to be a man after Gods own heart, desiring the heart of God more then himself. I know I am called into ministry, my life is not my own, it belongs to Jesus. I know God knows I need man who is going to uplift me, pray for me and we will seek the heart of God together.I think we will find the right person when it lines up in our lives what we want to do. Such as does our visions add up, can we see ourselves in ministry or some other type of work? God always know what we need in a relationship, we do not need to be figuring it out, allow God to direct you. God always wants the best. Don’t rush into something, most importantly wait on Gods timing. He is always on time.
25 3 / 2013
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.-Lamentations 3:25
God knows exactly what we need sometimes we have to go through difficult times to fully rely on God rather then ourselves. As we wait for what God has promised us, could it be healing, a job, marriage, or whatever we are waiting on God for, it will build up character within us. As I am waiting on God more and more for healing, emotionally and physically I know that God has given more strength then ever. Walking through a dark valley and not knowing what is next, but fully relying on God is scary, but it will help us to face whatever we are facing without fear. Giving all of our troubles to God, surrendering our lives to God. God does not give a spirit of fear but of power of love and self discipline. I know that life can be scary many things can be thrown at us, but praying and rejoicing in our suffering and waiting on God is important. I know sometimes we want something right now but God will simply say hold on to my promises what I have told you.
18 3 / 2013
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
These past weeks have been difficult with the endless amounts of school work and being sick battling severe anemia. I have been been worrying about school and constantly battling in my mind that I am going to fail. Thinking a lot about should of I taken that year off what the doctors suggested back in August.But I always knew that I am determined to complete what I have started. I am not that type of person to give up. But for some reason everything was building up around me , I wanted to quit. But since I have been battling sickness more and more this semester its been rough. Getting blood transfusions often,hemoglobin dropping quickly, memory loss, fatigue, weakness, sometimes I need to remind myself to cast all my anxiety on God for He already knows what I need. God will make a way, God will give me strength in my weakness. Sometimes I don’t sit and think about what I need to do instead I worry and just think negative. I know I need to cast my anxiety on God. God wants to carry my burdens, to take care of me. God always knows best for me. There is a reason and purpose why I have been in school for a long time. I know God has called me into ministry, and I have to always trust God that I know what He is doing in my life and direction He is leading me to.
16 3 / 2013
When I think of dryness one word comes into my mind; desert. A desert is place where there is not much life, everything is dead. Sometimes I feel like when we go through a time in the desert those are moments were we need to keep pushing forward, trusting in Gods faithfulness. In every season God is still God. He is always faithful. In Psalm 23 says I will walk through the valley shadow of death I will fear no evil. Thinking about that Psalm when we go through a valley feeling alone it can be scary but when we put our trust in God and knowing that everything will be ok we have a peace about walking through that certain valley. When we forget what is behind and keep moving forward, we keep our eyes on God not the situation.
23 2 / 2013
In life we have many obstacles, we can have many different ones such as sickness, death or finances. Whatever comes our way, just hold on God knows what He is doing. I look at two important people in the bible; Job in the Old Testament and in the New Testament the woman with the 12 year blood flow. Job was struck down, lost family members and became very sick. HIs family and friends told him to curse God and die! But Job never sinned against God. As Job could of easily done that I believe Job had something in Him, he held on to that promise what God has for Him. The promise of healing. God knew Job is a faithful servant of His.
The woman with the 12 year blood flow, was sick went to many doctors. The doctors could not “fix” her. She was losing hope, but when she heard about a man named Jesus who heals. I believe hope began to stir within her. Her hope of healing and being restored was building up within her. When Jesus was in the crowds she touched the hem of His garments. She was instantly healed. I look at this see similarities to her and Job, they both had hope stirred within them knowing that with God greater things were yet to come. They held onto the hope and healing was going to come.
As I look at these two stories, they are a close example to my life. That hope God stirred in me knowing that when I keep on holding on to Him great things will come. For God is a God who doesn’t break His promise. He is my healer, strength and portion. My first love. When people have told me I am weak, I should turn my back on God, for they do not know the promise that God has given me, that is healing and being restored, just like Job and the woman with the 12 year blood flow.
08 2 / 2013
Sometimes we want something more such as digging deeper into the heart of God, but there can be things hindering us to getting deeper with God. What is it? Past hurts, un forgiveness or negativity? Whatever it is, the biggest step is letting go and trusting in God. But how can we let go of our hurts, shame, un forgiveness? We have to trust in God knowing that everything will be ok.
We have to realize that what happened in the past is the past. Also have to realize that though our hurts God has made us stronger. What you have been through doesn’t define who you are. Whatever hurts you have been through relationships, rejection or abandonment just know that God has saw your pain, He was with you when you went through it all. But right now, letting go is hard but surrendering it all to God saying I trust you. I want to let go and trust you God, knowing you that you have bigger and greater things for me.
I have been down that road of bad relationships, cheated and lied to. It was one of the hardest relationship, I didn’t understand why I was him for 2 years. But I know that God used that bad relationship for His glory. Probably thinking how is that possible? Well, since it was such a bad relationship, it showed me that God used that bad situation to mold me and shape me more into woman of God . He has prepared more to be in the next relationship. Through that relationship it made me stronger. Being more secure within myself, such as my self worth learning about how important I am to God and to others. I cant just settle for less. But above all the past is the past and letting of hurts is difficult but thats when we pray and seek God more and more to be the man or woman of God he wants me to be.