01 5 / 2012
How can I honesty sit here and write ,not worry about the next step in my life or what is going to happen to me? As much as God loves me and I love him, this entire journey is scary. The doctors are very worried about me, but I have to praise God because I don’t feel sick the high amount of chemo I got a couple weeks ago hasn’t really effected me as feeling sick a lot. I know I keep saying and writing about my health but this is my life right now. I can’t let negative people get in my way, I am so thankful God has given me the strength to let some people go. Since I have left some people go, I felt more free, free to laugh and just be myself. I don’t know where I am headed but I know that I know in the end it will be good. I always prayed I wanted my life to be for the glory of God. I pray God will use this for His glory. I don’t understand why this is happening. I got some good news last week at the specialist feeling encouraged. But when I go to this one doctor she always tells me how concerned she is for me. I wish God will heal me right now so I don’t need to deal with this anymore. But I am hoping and holding onto His promises. Its hard but like I said my life, for His glory. It is a scary prayer, praying, God use me for your glory because I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. But God won’t give me more then I can handle. God knows I can handle this.
Since I started chemo in Jan, I have learned so much. God is faithful, God is love and God is hope. As hard as it is to face this, struggling with the thoughts I don’t want to handle this anymore please God , can I be done! Please God no more! Please God help me! I know that in the midst of heart ache and uncertainty my God is bigger then this. This isn’t too big for Him to handle. Through it all, I am waiting, praying and fighting until I am healed. I believe if you want something you fight for it. I have been fighting for a long time, God has given me strength to endure this.